Day 21 – 19,092 words down 

I’m packing for the Sundance Film Festival! I can only imagine how disappointed I would be with myself if I hadn’t taken on this challenge and I was going back to Sundance without accomplishing much of anything this year.

I am so friggin’ happy that I finished the first draft of my very first screenplay.

One more look at the awesome-ness of the finished 1st Draft

And technically, I’ve finished the 2nd draft too.  I couldn’t wait to get back to it. Looking at Rich’s notes gave me tons of ideas.  I wrote 2 more scenes and now my word count is 19,081. So, I my initial “blind” calculation was off by 719 words (I should say ‘so far’ because I’m still editing).  And I am sure there will be plenty more edits.

The important thing is that this “blind” calculation and daily word goal gave me the structure to move forward every day, even though I wasn’t sure if I was doing it “right”.

As you can see from this blog series, I had many, many moments of doubt, ups and downs, weakness and strength, but the accountability (knowing that my friend, Melani was going to ask me if I had written each day), the very specific goal of writing 900 words per day and finishing my first screenplay before leaving for Sundance, kept me pushing through those moments when I wanted to watch movies or sleep or eat or quit instead of write.

Now I’m actually thinking about printing out the 2nd draft to show my filmmaker friend that’s staying with us in Sundance.  I know-big step, right?  We’ll see.  I’m not quite sure if I’m ready for any “non-husband-who-loves-me-and-knows-how-to-give-me-criticism” feedback yet.

But with each new pass through my screenplay draft, I gain more confidence.  I get a little more clear about who these characters are and the story I want to tell.  I know that my screenplay is getting better and better with each day.  My fragile ego gets stronger and more certain about what I’m doing here. It’s still a big risk, this is a man that’s read screenplays for big players in the industry.  But he is also a close friend and I can give him my speech about how to be gentle with me.

I have no idea what will happen with this screenplay.  Right now, I don’t even know what my next step is.  But I’m headed off to Sundance in 2 days with my first attempt in the bag and damn it sure feels good.

Post Script -  Total Words Written 19,461

It was an exhilarating feeling being at Sundance Film Festival this year with my first script in hand.  I let my filmmaker friend, Mike, who was staying in the same condo, read it.  It was a bit nerve wracking but very exciting. As I nervously handed over my screenplay, the thing I really wanted to know from Mike was if there was a glimmer of possibility for me as a screenwriter. I didn’t care if it was the greatest screenplay ever, I just didn’t want it to be the worst.

Would he say “Oh my god, this sucks so bad”? Or would he take me seriously?

Mike was still sleeping when I left for my first movie screening the next morning. I saw my husband around lunch time and asked tentatively “What did Mike think?” and my husband replied “He said he likes it” then blah, blah, blah. It didn’t really matter to me.  That’s all I needed to hear.

When I saw Mike later, he started his notes with, “Listen, you can write”.

He said this as if it were a “known fact”.  I can write. I should know that I can write. Right? And yet, it felt as if some switch was flipped inside me, I was now comfortable telling other people that I have, in fact, written a feature length screenplay.  And it might not be the shittiest screenplay in the history of the world.

Why did it take someone else’s acknowledgement (once again), for me to believe in my own ability? I wish I didn’t desperately need others to tell me I’m good.

I was surprised that three producers offered to read my script and give me notes.  I laughed when they offered, but I think they were serious.

Mike and I talked a lot throughout the week about ways to make the screenplay better.  He gave me many ideas to play around with. It was amazing to have someone, other than my husband, taking this screenplay seriously and talking about these characters like they mattered.

So now that I am back from the Sundance Film Festival and I have my very first screenplay under my belt, here’s what I’d like to share with you.

Anything is possible.  22 days seemed like a ridiculous goal a little over one month ago.   Imagine what you could create in the next 22 days if you just decided right now to go for it?

There were so many days when my Inner Critic almost got the best of me.  I wanted to quit. I was convinced that what I was writing was complete shit.  Embarrassing shit.  But that goal of just finishing it, no matter how awful it was pushed me through.

Having the specific goal of 900 words per day and the chart I created staring at me every day helped take away any excuses to goof off or skip a day. And it was great motivation to plug in the number of words I had written each day.

Here’s the finished chart/graph of exactly how many words I wrote each day.  It was thrilling to see how quickly the words added up by just keeping to my goal of at least 900 words per day.  Writing 900 words took me less than 2 hours on most days.  I was usually done with my goal before 10am.

So, that’s my screenplay journey so far.  I’ve decided to let it all marinate for a little while and get to work on completing a short film I wrote early last year.  I have never done that either (been a filmmaker).  I’m going to do it Ed Burnsie/gorilla style, using natural lighting and locations I can get for free. Using the resources I have, casting my friends & family, telling a story in a new way (new for me). It’s exciting and scary and I have absolutely NO IDEA what I’m doing.

I recently read this article from Ricky Gervais about fame.  I loved this part:

I used to be the laziest, least ambitious person I knew. Well, lazy in terms of work. Career success, if you will. I had artistic ambition, I guess, but being a working-class Brit I believed it was better to never try than to try, and run the risk of failing.

Writing and directing The Office was the first thing I ever tried my hardest at. The reward was revelatory.

At 40 I was addicted. Not to success. I was addicted to trying my hardest. That’s the reward in itself. It’s what life’s about. The struggle. It’s the only way you can be proud. You can’t be proud of luck.

I started late, sure. But it really is never too late. Now I seize the day. And I love that day much, much more. I’m a workaholic. But as Winston Churchill said, “If you find a job you really love, you’ll never work again.”

So, there it is.  That pretty much sums up what I’m feeling about writing my very first screenplay, filming my very first short film and embarking on a brand new journey.  I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing but I want to try my hardest.

It’s Never Too Late to Try Your Hardest, is it?

Day 20 - 

I printed out the screenplay yesterday.  I took a picture and texted it to my sister and a couple of friends.  It felt pretty cool.  Scary – but cool. They all asked to read it.  I told them I needed time.  I wasn’t ready for feedback yet.

As a writer, I’ve come to know my own quirky, creative process and the incredible vulnerability I feel about my craft. I’ve had to get over myself and my insecurities.  But it’s still a process.

I remember sending my first book proposal and some sample chapters to a “real” NY editor for the first time.  When she called and said, “You can write, Sandy”, the insecure seven year old inside of me jumped for joy.  I wonder if she knew how badly I needed to hear those words.

Even though my writing had been published in numerous local publications and several online magazines, it didn’t feel like I was a real writer until I sold my first book to a real publisher who paid me a real advance.

One of the things I’ve come to know about myself is that there is a process I need to go through with creative things.  At first, the project is like a newborn baby and I simply can’t bear to have anyone edit or criticize it.  During that time, I don’t share it with anyone.  I may mention what I’m working on and talk about certain inspirations and ideas, but I know I’m not ready for any feedback.  I need to keep it close to my heart and protect it…or protect me. I guess I’m protecting that soft, mushy, vulnerable part of myself.  If someone were to inadvertently show up and stomp all over it, the project might die during this phase.  It’s still extremely fragile. Eventually I will get to a place where it won’t matter what others say about my work and even harsh criticism won’t deter me from my goal, but in the beginning of something new, I need to keep it close and nurture it (and myself) very carefully.

My creative process looks something like this:

• keep creative project close, don’t share with anyone, don’t say it out loud.
• start to share the tiniest bit of the thought with my inner circle of trusted souls, get comfortable talking about it.
• work on creative project in private, edit, edit, edit.
• share creative project with my husband (who has been trained over 26 years how to give me feedback without crushing my soul) then some edit more.
• share creative project with close friends and trusted colleagues, more editing.
• share creative project with people in the industry that can give constructive feedback and edit even more.

As stated above, I’ve trained my husband, over our 26 years together, how to give me feedback.  After all of this time, I’ve learned how to express exactly what I need when I need it.  This knowledge has come from too many painful experiences when I would innocently and open-endedly ask, “What do you think?” about a new idea or project. The truth is, I didn’t really want to hear what he thought unless he planned on telling me how amazing and brilliant I was.  I was not ready for a critique or suggestions or editing of any kind.

My fragile ego would shut down at the first innocent suggestion and the project would be left to die.  My overly sensitive soul would only hear the things I did wrong. Then my Inner Critic (remember her?) would tell me “Why bother?” “You suck.”

I couldn’t get perspective.

I didn’t have any confidence in my craft.

I now have confidence in my writing abilities.  However, writing screenplays is very different from writing a non-fiction book, snappy magazine articles or a blog. I don’t have  any perspective about whether or not I “can do this” yet.  Therefore, I know I need to tread carefully in these coming days and make sure that I am very clear about whether or not I am open to feedback.

I know that my husband will be gentle with me, but I tell him anyway.  “Okay, I’m ready for you to read this thing. It’s a very, very, very rough first draft.  It’s very important that you are gentle in your feedback.  I do want to know if it really sucks and if it’s really boring, but you must find a way to tell me very gently.”

He agrees and I hand over my newborn baby screenplay with nervousness and trepidation.

I was surprised at how nervous I felt while Rich was reading it.  I found myself pacing around the house, trying to stay out of the room where he was reading.  I didn’t want to know how good (or how badly) it was going.  I just wanted to see his face when he was finished.

Rich walks into the room after a couple of hours, screenplay in hand, and says nonchalantly;  “I’m hungry, going to take a break.  It’s good.  I’ve made a few notes.  I’m only on page 19.”

Page 19????!!!!  Really??? Page 19???!  What took so long?? And now you’re going to take a break? Are you friggin’ kidding me? This is the last 10 years of my life, painstakingly arranged into detailed descriptions and captivating dialog spoken by well-crafted, multi-layered characters and you’re going to take a break after 19 pages????!!!!!

Well, that’s what I was thinking.  What I actually said aloud was; “You’re only on page 19, huh?” And I think I forced a little smile or smirk. It was absolutely awful.

Rich explained that he was going through it very slowly and carefully and really trying to give me good notes.

Whatever.

Rich finally finishes reading my screenplay around 9pm.

He tells me it is not the shittiest screenplay in the history of the Universe.

But he’s never read any other screenplay. So what does he know?  Answer = Nothing.

I am very happy that he didn’t hate it.  And he gave me some really good notes.  There is one major piece of my story that’s missing.  I kind of knew that.  I wasn’t sure until we talked about it where or how exactly I was going to tell that part of the story.  So now I have a better idea of where to go.  I feel like I’ve accomplished quite a lot already.

Technically, the first draft was printed out yesterday.  On Day 19.  But I really want to fill in these plot holes before I leave for Sundance.  It might mean putting in some extra time this weekend, but I’m excited about it.  I am inspired by Rich’s interest in my screenplay and feeling more and more confident about my screenwriting abilities.

In fact, I cannot wait to get back at it.  That’s encouraging, isn’t it? It’s been a long time since I felt this inspired by a writing project.  I’m still nervous about whether anyone who actually reads screenplays for a living would have any interest in this at all, but now is not the time to think about that.

Now it is time to begin editing and make it better.  First draft is done.  First person (albeit my dear husband) has read it and didn’t hate it.  These are all good first steps.

Next stop Sundance.  With one newly finished first screenplay ever.  Whoo hoo!

NEXT: It’s Never Too Late to Try Your Hardest- Click here* 

Day 19 -  I finished the first draft!!!!

I am printing it out as we speak, er, as I write this!  It’s short in the word count department, but the beginning and the end of my story met in the middle and the pieces are in place. It’s definitely a first draft.  A really rough first draft. I know that there are huge plot holes, (ha ha, plot holes, instead of potholes? Is that a thing people say in the screenplay business? If not they definitely should, it’s funny).

Anyway, the plot-holes will have to be repaired at some point, but for now I’m doing a little happy dance while my pages are printing out. Whoo-hoo!

I know it’s not very ‘green’ of me.  But I feel like I need to see it. Hold it. Touch it. Stare at it in all its glory.

It is a beautiful thing.

1st draft!!

So that’s what a screenplay looks like.

Now what?

First, a glass of champagne. A celebration. Holy shit. I did it. It might suck.  It might be the shittiest screenplay in the history of the Universe. But it’s MY shitty screenplay.  I wrote a screenplay.  I wrote a screenplay in 19 days! I finished it within the year.  I was inspired last year at Sundance Film Festival to finally write my screenplay and I did it.

I fucking did it.

Holy shit.

Now what do I do?

Edit. Edit. Edit.

NEXT: The Unbearable Heaviness of Editing- Click here*

Day 18 -  Wednesday 9:32am

I’m having trouble getting moving on the screenplay this morning.  Usually I’m done or almost done by now.  I haven’t even opened Final Draft yet.  I don’t want to.

Why?  Don’t feel like it.  It’s snowing outside and I just want to sit by the fire and watch movies all day.  I say to myself, “Sandy, you can write your 900 words first and still go sit by the fire and watch movies for the rest of the day.”

But my Self responds; “No, once Daughter #2 gets up, I have to help her to finish her school work before going to the Humane Society to do our 2 hour volunteer shift (with cats, which I am allergic to, which means I’ll come home all red-eyed and itchy and sneezy and need to lie down for 30 minutes at least to recover) then it will be time to get dinner started and Daughter #2 also has theater rehearsal tonight, so this is it.  These few precious moments when the house is quiet between Daughter #1 going off to school and Daughter #2 waking up and needing me are all I’ve got.”  Geez, my Self is pretty friggin’ convincing, isn’t she?

Procrastination. Avoidance. Laziness.  Whatever you want to call it, I’m an expert at it. When I heard this song by Bruno Mars, I laughed out loud.  It’s my official theme song on days like this.

How can I overcome my overwhelming desire to do absolutely NOTHING? How do I get my butt moving on my dreams and goals, when my butt weighs a thousand pounds and is sitting all warm and cozy by the fire?

What’s really going to make me happy?

All too often I choose things that seem like they will make me happy in the short-term, but long-term, not-so-much.  More times than I care to admit I’ve chosen things that made me short-term happy but long-term not-so-happy.

So, what’s really going to make me happy, long-term? I don’t think sitting around in my pajama’s all day will make me happy, as tempting as that sounds right now.  What I know for sure will make me long-term happy is to get off my ass and start writing so that I can put that big X on today’s calendar and get on with the rest of my day.

But right now, I just want to keep sitting on my couch and staring out the window at the snow and dreaming of what it might feel like to do absolutely nothing today.  Ahhhhhhhh.  Then I realize that if I did absolutely nothing, even though it would mean avoiding the cat allergies, which would be very, very nice, it would also mean that I would be avoiding writing this screenplay and tomorrow that would feel really ‘not-happy’.

So here I go, back to writing……

17,004 words down. 2,796 words to go.

NEXT: The End-Roll Credits? – Click here*

Day 16 –

I got a tweet from one of my favorite writer/director/filmmakers, Edward Burns yesterday. It made my day.  I had just been whining about how maybe I shouldn’t have gotten back onto Twitter and Facebook (I took a 3 month Social Media Sabbatical) because sometimes it just sucks the energy right out of me.  And then I get this note from Ed.  Or Burnsie. What should I call him now that we’re best friends?

Anyway, how cool is that?

The very first thing I did was copy the tweet and post it on my Facebook & Twitter pages.  Then I woke up at 2:30am thinking about it.  I couldn’t go back to sleep. Something was bothering me.  This article I read in Salon.com about how social media is one big “Look at me! Look at me!’ kept running circles in my head. Specifically, this quote:

“It’s a never-ending race to remind others that we’re here, that we exist.  It reminds me of when I used to do dance routines and little plays for my mom.  “Look!”  I’d yell every few seconds.  “You’re NOT watching! Look!”  It gets exhausting.  And it’s not really living……  I don’t need to broadcast my life on a daily basis.”

So I got out of bed and deleted both posts. I did reply to Ed/Burnsie, though. I’m not a (complete) idiot!.

The thing that woke me up in the middle of the night and pulled me out of bed was this:

1. Nobody else really gives a shit that Ed Burns read my blog (except, of course, ME and possibly my mother, although I’d probably have to explain to her exactly who he is and she doesn’t even follow me on twitter) and…
2. I could use this feeling, the little bump in excitement and inspiration, to draw more creative writing out of myself.

If I tweet it out then I dilute it’s power.

If I post it on my Facebook page, a select few will read it and maybe a couple of them will respond to it or “like” it.  But it’s just a moment and then it’s gone. And more and more of these “moments” that I’m sharing are starting to feel like self-indulgent or even desperate pleas of “Look at Me!”

If I take this moment and put it into my writing then I have it forever. I’m using my life as an inspiration to create something.

Does that make any sense?

Well, it made perfect sense to me at 3 in the morning. And I couldn’t help but whisper to myself “Put it in the dance”. (funny quote from an old SNL skit- the Demarco Brothers audition for Brittney Spears) which means, take all of that energy, excitement, angst, inspiration and passion and put it into your life.

Here’s another quote from the Salon.com article that really moved me.

“It’s all the mental and creative energy spent on words that don’t even get archived. It’s all the tweets that could have been conversations with my family. All the words I could have poured into poems or lines of dialogue or essays. All the thoughts that should not be formatted, reduced, condensed to 140 characters. All the ideas meant for mulling. It’s the idea that thinking is not a performance, hard as that can be for someone like me to accept.” 

Maybe it’s that I’m constantly waiting for acknowledgement or feedback when I put things out there. And when there’s not “enough” (will there ever be enough?) likes and retweets I feel disappointed.  Or maybe it’s that there really are people out there that aren’t so happy for you and they read your tweets or status updates and they send you snarky-ness or negative energy.  And then you feel that.

So, I’m not sure what the answer is for me yet. I know how excited I was when I got that tweet from Ed/Burnsie.  And I want more of that feeling.  But that feeling didn’t come from tweeting and facebooking. That feeling came from my writing.  Writing something that mattered to me and then putting it out there.  I know that writing this screenplay will be an accomplishment that matters to me.  I don’t think I’ll be thinking about a particular tweet or a facebook status next year.  But I will be celebrating the fact that I finished my first screenplay.  And I’ll be celebrating the fact that I focused on my writing and wrote something that I’d been dreaming about for more than 10 years.

Finishing this screenplay and focusing on my writing are things that I know will bring me great joy and create a profound sense of accomplishment this year.  So I’m going to focus on that. Finish the damn screenplay.  Do my work.

15,522 words down.  4,278 to go.

Paula does a spit take

Day 14: Word count= 13,378

(That’s 478 more than my schedule!)

I’m starting to worry that I won’t be done with the story by the time I’ve hit my word count.

I have the opposite of writer’s block.  I have too MUCH to write.

That’s a really nice feeling.  The story is moving along, however boring it seems.  I’m not sure if my writing is matching the pictures in my head.  I don’t think my dialog is very “snappy”.

Nora Ephron writes “snappy” dialog:

HARRY: You realize, of course, that we could never be friends.

SALLY: Why not?

HARRY: What I’m saying-and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form- is that men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.

SALLY: That’s not true.  I have a number of men friends and there’s no sex involved.

HARRY: No, you don’t.

SALLY: Yes, I do.

HARRY: No, you don’t.

SALLY: Yes, I do.

HARRY: You only think you do.

SALLY: You’re saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?

HARRY: No, I’m saying they all want to have sex with you.

SALLY: They do not.

HARRY: Do too.

SALLY: They do not.

HARRY: Do too.

SALLY: How do you know?

HARRY: Because no man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive.  He always wants to have sex with her.

SALLY: So you’re saying a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.

HARRY: No. You pretty much want to nail them, too.

See? Snappy dialog. I don’t have any of that. I’m just writing the scenes as I see them in my head. My characters are having conversations and I’m writing the dialog the way regular people talk and I’m afraid it’s really, really boring.

Why is it so hard to capture a story or a scene or a feeling that’s so vivid in our minds?

Sometimes the words just lay on the page like dead fish, completely uninspired.  And yet other times the words spring to life, dancing across the page like butterflies spreading magic unicorns and rainbows as they land.

Back to my mantra, which is, be willing to write a really shitty first draft. I will worry about replacing dead fish with butterflies and unicorns later. That’s the brilliance of Anne Lamott. Here’s one of my favorite passages from her essay “Shitty First Drafts” in Bird by Bird.

I know some great writers, writers you love who write beautifully and have made a great deal of money, and not one of them sits down routinely feeling wildly enthusiastic and confident. Not one of them writes elegant first drafts. All right, one of them does, but we do not like her very much…Very few writers really know what they’re doing until they’ve done it.

So, my job is to stop worrying about whether it’s any good.  I can always make it better later.  For now, I must be willing to suck at this and simply focus on getting it done.

No matter how awful it is when I am finished, I will still be finished! right?

Right.

Back to work.

Day 15 – 6:17am

I can barely focus my eyes to read the words on the screen.  It feels like I’m in the home stretch now.

Seven more writing days.

It’s somewhat of a relief because I know I will meet my word count, but it’s also a little scary because it feels like I’m nowhere near wrapping up this story.

A few days ago, I ran into my daughter’s friend’s mother, who also happens to be a writer, I mentioned that I was doing this “push to finish my first screenplay” before we leave for Sundance. She said, “Oh that’s great! You’ll be able to give it to people at Sundance!”

Paula does a spit take

I did one of those spit takes.

Is she friggin’ crazy?!

Just to clarify, in case I have not been perfectly clear.  I am NOT finishing this screenplay so that I can give it to anyone, especially anyone I might meet at Sundance. That feels like screenwriting suicide.

I’m pushing so hard to finish this first draft of my screenplay so that I can meet the goal I was inspired to create last year, when I was in Park City amongst so many inspiring filmmakers and I knew I had to finally write this screenplay that’s been dancing around in my brain for more than ten years.

I am doing this for the personal satisfaction of knowing that I set an intention last year and I did what I said I would do.

I know people who have been writing their first screenplay for more than fifteen years and they have still not finished.

I have an intimate relationship with that kind of procrastination and fear.  I’m doing this push so that I can move on in my life.  Having this screenplay project unfinished is like carrying around a hundred pound bag of rocks. It’s the big ‘some day, hopefully, maybe dream’ that won’t get off my back.  So, physically getting it off my back within the year, will be a major accomplishment.  Finishing this first draft will be cause for celebration.  And once it’s done, then I will start thinking about the next step.  For now, I’m just putting my butt in a chair and writing every single day, until that word count reads 19,800.

Hierarchy of goals:

1. Finish the damn screenplay.
2. Be proud that I finished & celebrate.
3. Edit, edit, edit and get excited about the finished screenplay.
4. Show it to people who know absolutely nothing about screenplays.
5. Show it to people who do know about writing screenplays.
6. Edit, edit, edit and then write 10 more screenplays.

I am certain there will be a shift once I’ve finished it.  But you see, when I’m still writing the first draft of my very first screenplay, it all feels like a giant, silly dream.  And if I skip to number 4 or 5 or 6 in the hierarchy my inner critic kicks in hard and screams things like “You are SUCH a dreamer!” “Who do you think you are?” “You can’t do that!” “You SUCK!” (remember that one?)

So, for now, I will just focus on #1.

Finish the damn screenplay.  14,486 words down, 5,314 to go.

NEXT: Edward Burns Reads My Blog- Click here*

my Sundance coffee mug

Day 7- 6:30am

I woke up thinking I was behind a day in my writing. My house guests left yesterday morning for the airport, but I decided to go skiing and watch movies all day, so no writing for me.  I did a little happy dance this morning when I discovered that in my Master Graph Schedule Thingy I had not scheduled any writing yesterday. Yippeeeee!

10:30am

I finally finish the scene I have been working on, it’s a hard one.  I have to get into the emotion of a big fight between my main characters and dredge up some empty, hopeless feelings that don’t make me feel very good.  I avoid writing the next scene, which is also depressing, by cruising Ed Burns website to see what he’s up to lately. He’s one of my filmmaking heroes and I heard his latest movie, Newlyweds was just released.  I search on iTunes & Netflix but it’s not there yet.  I go to his twitter page and he says to watch it on Movies on Demand.  I try to find it on my Direct TV listings but it’s not there either.  I spend at least an hour trying to find it on AppleTV.  I am unsuccessful. I should probably go back to writing.

12:30pm

Only 300 more words to make my word count today.  Hot cup of  mocha in hand, I’m back in front of the screenplay.   Here we go.

After a few moments of staring blankly at the screen, an epiphany strikes.  I realize I can pay and schedule Newlyweds from my laptop for download to my television, which I do immediately.  I ‘pretend’ to write as I wait for Newlyweds to show up on my DVR.  5 minutes pass, no movie.  30 minutes pass, still no movie.  I spend a good part of the morning on the phone with Direct TV trying to figure out why Newlyweds isn’t downloading to my television.

Doesn’t this nice lady on the phone know that I desperately need to watch this movie in order to fulfill my greatest filmmaking dreams?!  No, she just keeps typing things into her computer as I continue to hold.

I decide to attempt writing some dialog while listening to the on-hold music.   Incredibly, as the customer service rep is running through her 3rd or 4th test (I’ve lost track at this point), I do a quick word count and discover that I have managed to hit 6,363 words! Whoo-hoo! My word count for today is in the bag.  She tells me to give it 24 hours for the movie to download and call back for a refund if it’s still not there.

Pretty damn impressive that I could meet my daily word count while sitting on hold with Direct TV, right? I mean, granted, these words are probably not brilliant and amazing like Woody Allen, Ed Burns or Cameron Crowe’s, but at least my word count is climbing and I am one day closer to my goal of finishing my first screenplay before we leave for Sundance. right?  It’s all good.

Day 8 - Word count = 7,333

This morning my husband asks me how the screenplay is going.  I tell him I am on schedule and it’s going good.

He asks, “How is it coming out?”

I tell him to shut up.

I say that I have absolutely no idea “how it’s coming out”, I can’t think about these things now.  I can’t think about whether it’s “good” or not.  I can only write the allotted amount of words each day.  I can only keep my butt in the chair until said word count reads at least the minimum words written on my schedule for that day.  This is the only possible way I can write this screenplay.  I absolutely can NOT allow myself to think about whether it is any good or not, yet.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s all shit.

I’m pretty sure that I’m writing the shittiest screenplay ever written in the history of the Universe.

But I tell myself;

“At least you will be able to say that you finished your screenplay.  It doesn’t have to be any good, it just has to be finished.  You can go back and make it “good” later.  You can hire an editor or send it off to one of those script doctors.”

Oh lord, just the thought of sending this shitty, stinking screenplay off to someone who does this professionally is terrifying.  It’s enough to make me stop writing and throw my lap top in the nearest garbage.  See how my mind works?  I cannot let my Virgo-Perfectionist-Self think about the quality of the writing.  Yet.  There will be plenty of time for that, later.  Now, just put your butt in the chair, Sandy.  Just type the damn words.

Day 11- Word count = 10,417

That’s 517 more words than my schedule says I should have written.

I’ve found that the best way to make good progress each day, is to write first thing when I get up. Sometimes I can get some writing done before I have to wake up my daughter for school at 6am, other times I write immediately after I drop her off at the bus stop at 7:30am.

Now, this means that I have totally shifted my priorities around. I haven’t been working out at all.  I was on a very dedicated morning schedule preparing my healthy, green smoothie each morning and then straight to my workout. But when I decided to finish this screenplay before I leave for Sundance, the screenplay became more important than the working out.  That’s always been my problem, I’m much more productive in the morning so if I need to get something done, I do it first thing because after lunch ~ all bets are off.  Anything could happen to throw my day off track – kids, husband, dogs, emails, in-laws. If I want it done, it’s got to happen first thing. This is great for that first priority thing, but what about the other stuff? I can only do ONE thing, first.  Is it possible to write a screenplay, workout, eat healthy, juggle your family schedules and any other writing commitments, etc, etc.??? Here’s what Leo Babauta, of Zen Habits says about Achieving Your Dreams Despite Pressures of Work & Family. 

Is it possible to do everything you want to do and do it all well?

I can’t answer that yet.  Right now, I guess I’m just going to have to live with a flabby ass in the name of getting this friggin’ screenplay done. I will work out while they’re filming the movie so that I’ll look hot for the red carpet.

NEXT: Shitty First Drafts & The Hierarchy of Goals - Click here*

“When all your schemes about making a masterpiece are reduced to – I’ll prostitute myself in any way I have to survive this catastrophe. ” Woody Allen on filmmaking

Day 6 -

In an effort to avoid writing today, I spent a great amount of time creating this graph that will show me exactly how many words I need to have written each day.  This allows my brain to not have to add another “900″ to each day’s writing.   I wasn’t keeping track of the daily words the first 5 days, I only know that when I started Day 6, I had a little more than 4500 words.  Here it is:

Now, I fill in the actual amount of words each day, so that I know…. what exactly?  I guess now I will know exactly how many words I wrote each day. (and I will be happy to share this graph/chart/thingy with you as soon as it’s all filled in.)  This doesn’t really matter except to show you what great lengths I will go to in order to avoid writing my screenplay.  I mean, I’ve resorted to setting up graphs and doing MATH for God’s sake! What the hell is wrong with me?

I did get something pretty cool in my inbox that will probably help you way more than this stupid graph I spent far too much time creating.

I got an email from Script Magazine today with the subject line ”Learn Jerry Seinfeld’s Productivity Technique”.  And, of course, since I had spent the better part of my day being completely unproductive I opened it right away to see if Jerry could teach me something that might actually have an impact on my writing.  Guess what?  This is pretty damn cool.

“Seinfeld explains his method for success: each January, he hangs a large year-at-a-glance calendar on his wall and, for every day he writes new material, he has the exquisite pleasure that can only come from drawing a big red “X” over that day. The idea is to never break that chain.”

The entire email is online if you’d like to read it: click here

*AND* the Writer’s Store created a calendar that you can print out and begin your own Don’t Break the Chain fun.

Download your own “Don’t Break the Chain” calendar for FREE here.

The other thing I stumbled upon while procrastinating, er, uh, looking for inspiration about writing is…. this awesome Woody Allen documentary. Woody Allen is the absolute definition of prolific.  He’s been doing one film every year for over forty years.  Documentary filmmaker Robert B. Weide said this about Woody;

“He’s working on the quantity theory, that if you keep making them and making them, keep knocking them out, they won’t all come out great but every now and then one will come out good.”

“He doesn’t really think he’s that great.” Weide says.  Which is crazy, right?  But it also gives me comfort in a strange way.

In the film, Woody talked about his time working as a comedy writer at the Tamiment, a resort in the Poconos, where they did a show full of new material each weekend. “You couldn’t sit in the room and wait for your muse to come tickle you.  Monday morning came, there was a dress rehearsal Thursday, you had to get that thing written.  It was grueling, but you learned to write.”

Watch Woody Allen at Tamiment on PBS. See more from American Masters.

So that’s what finally got me back to writing today.  Woody Allen telling me “You can’t sit in the room and wait for your muse to come tickle you… get that thing written.”

Thanks Woody.

NEXT: The Shittiest Screenplay of Them All - Screenwriting Days 7-11 – Click here*

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to
drink more alcohol. ~ Steve Martin.

I am ahead of schedule 4,000+ words.

*I wrote this screenwriting blog series about 6 months ago–it took me this long to get the BALLS to post it.*

Day 4 -

Today I will have about an hour at a coffee shop while my youngest daughter is at a class. Since she started online schooling, I haven’t been able to spend the whole day writing at a coffee shop or book store.  I wrote almost my entire book, Journalution at Offerdahl’s Cafe in South Florida.  I spent so much time there that I actually thanked them in the acknowledgements of my book. They fed me three meals per day some days, plus snacks and there was just enough background noise and distraction to keep the distracted-monkey-mind part of my brain occupied. It was perfect. So, today I’m really looking forward to trying out a new place to write.

But here’s the thing: I’ve been telling others, and myself, for years that coffee shops and bookstores are my absolute most favorite places to write. Yet, I’ve barely stepped foot in one all year. What’s up with that? More self-sabotage? Or just another way I’ve been lying to myself about what I really want. Let’s face it – if writing this screenplay was really a priority for me I would have dragged my ass to the coffee shop every day and written…but I didn’t do that. I procrastinated and pretended and stalled and lied to myself.

I came home from Sundance last January with the supposed intention of finishing my first screenplay and instead proceeded to read a lot of books on how to write a screenplay.  I subscribed to a lot of screenwriting blogs and newsletters.  I watched tons of movies by writer/directors…all in the name of research. But was it really? Was I really doing research?  Or was I doing busy work instead of actually sitting my ass in the chair and writing.

I believe after only 4 days of real, actual writing, I can honestly tell you, I AM FULL OF SHIT.

It’s amazing what clarity comes with writing, or actually getting down to DOING whatever it is you say you want to do. At just 4 days in it’s clear that now, I am really writing.  I am making genuine, documentable progress on my screenplay.  I have written over 4,000 actual words of ‘for real’ dialog and description! Now that I fully know what it feels like to write 4,000 words of a screenplay, I am completely sure that I have been totally full of shit all year.

But not anymore!!!  Here’s what’s happening on the page:

I have basically written the beginning and the end of the movie.  There are huge chunks of plot to be filled in the middle.  Sometimes it feels like I’m taking dictation.  You know how every now and then you just sit and watch the scene unfold in your head? And when that happens, my only job is to write down what feels right, true and real for the characters.

Most of the time, it’s a big, fat, stinking struggle. But thanks to Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat, I’ve spent a lot of time with the “board”. (for all of you non-screenwriters out there, this is a corkboard filled with index cards that map out the plot points of the screenplay) This is supposed to be helpful when writing becomes a struggle.

my early attempt at creating "The Board"

The board is supposed to work like a roadmap for your screenplay. However, I was never very in love with my plot points or my “board” to begin with and quite frankly, I’m pretty sure I’ve been doing it all wrong.

This is one of my favorite movie quotes of all time from Mr. Mom, “You’re doing it wrong” click here to watch it:  The Jack Butler Method

During one my many struggles, I found this post by Merlin Mann about how to hack your way out of writer’s block.  After giving us all kinds of extremely helpful tips from “Take a shower, change clothes-give yourself a truly clean start” to “Write crap” he offers this little story:

On the other hand, remember Laurence Olivier.

One day on the set of Marathon Man, Dustin Hoffman showed up looking like shit. Totally exhausted and practically delirious. Asked what the problem was, Hoffman said that at this point in the movie, his character will have been awake for 24 hours, so he wanted to make sure that he had been too. Laurence Olivier shook his head and said, “Oh, Dusty, why don’t you just try acting?”

So, when all else fails, just try writing.

That’s my plan, I am now attempting to just write.

So far, I think my screenplay is very, very boring.  I am fully convinced that this is a big, boring movie that will never see the light of day.  But at least I’ll be done with it.  I’ll have the screenplay that I’ve been dreaming about for over ten years complete.  Then I can shove it in a drawer somewhere, say I did it and get on with my life.  I mean, when I think about how much energy has been expended thinking about, talking about, planning and preparing for the “some day” when I get off my ass and write this thing I get kind of sick to my stomach.  How many other really awesome and amazingly cool things could I have been doing with all of that time and energy?  I can say for sure that I’ve wasted an awful lot of my life thinking about this thing.  I just want to be done with it.

But there’s that other part of me that wants it to be really good.  That’s the Virgo part (although, my friend Melani says it’s not just Virgos, it’s anybody who has ever tried to create anything).  That’s the part that stops me.  That Virgo-Inner Critic tells me it’s not good enough and asks me why am I even bothering with it.  Today it’s taking a tremendous amount of self-control to just sit down and do the words each day and not be attached to how good (or horrifically bad) they are.

I’ve decided to use the definition of “successful screenwriter” that David Ross wrote about on Scriptfrenzy;

“By successful I mean those who can finish one script, rewrite it, then move on to the next one.”

So, my goal is simply to finish.

And at least I’ve stopped lying to myself  (and anyone else I told I was working on a screenplay).  I AM actually working on a screenplay.  I AM actually making progress.  The quality of that progress has yet to be determined, but progress is progress.  Right?

NEXT: Charts & Graphs & Woody, Oh My! – Screenwriting Day 6 – Click here* 

me skiing at Sundance Film Festival 2011

*I wrote this screenwriting blog series about 6 months ago–it took me this long to get the BALLS to post it.*

I should start by telling you how I fantasized about writing a screenplay for more than ten years.  Then, about three or four years ago, I actually began saying, out loud, that I wanted to write a screenplay.  As in, out loud to other people. But only in a joking way.

Like, “One day I’m going to write a screenplay and win an Oscar for Best Original Screenplay.  Ha Ha Ha. Isn’t that hilarious? I mean, that’s ridiculous, right? Um… yeah.  What were we talking about?”

Then last year, I had a sort of breakdown, breakthrough? around my career choices and I walked away from my business. I shut everything down. I wiped the slate clean. I hit the re-boot button on my life and went off to the Sundance Film Festival with my husband. (He had to attend for business & it was on my Bucket List, so it worked out awesomely.)

Last year, on January 27, 2011, I declared: “This is the year I’m going to finish my screenplay”.

Finish is really the wrong word, because ‘finish’ implies that I had actually started, which I had not. What I had done was collect a couple of lines of dialog and a few descriptive passages in a word document somewhere on my computer.

And for the last 11 months, I’ve done a whole lot of reading & researching, plot outlining & procrastinating but not much actual screenwriting. 28 Days ago I had all but admitted defeat.

I guess I’m just too damn scared to write this thing — WTF is wrong with me?!

But the idea of finishing this screenplay continued to haunt me, I couldn’t escape it. Then one day, December 11^th to be exact, I was sitting on a ski lift, as I often do on the weekends during the months of late November through early April, and I was just enjoying the day, I wasn’t even thinking about the screenplay.  I believe I was thinking about going back to Sundance again.  How much it had inspired me the year before.

Then a thought crept in.  At first it was a mean thought: “You’re going back to Sundance next month and you didn’t do what you said you were going to do.  You didn’t finish your screenplay.  You did a lot of other things, but you didn’t do the ONE thing that you said you were going to do.”  And then, as usual, “You suck.”

My inner critic is loud and she likes to tell me how much I suck… at everything.

But this day was different.  After the anticipated and expected “you suck”, another amazing and brilliant little thought appeared.

“YOU HAVEN’T FAILED YET… Technically, if you finish your screenplay before you leave for Sundance, you will have done exactly what you said you were going to do!”

Then -

“I wonder how many work days I have before we leave for Sundance and I wonder if I could just write the damn thing before I leave?”

Then -

“I mean, I know it won’t be any good. It will need to be edited over and over but at least I could say that I wrote a screenplay! A first draft of a screenplay! How great would that feel?!”

And just like that, sitting on that ski lift one Saturday in December, I got a little bit excited and inspired again at the possibility of actually completing my screenplay, like NOW.

I called my super-efficient writer-ly friend, Melani and told her I HAVEN’T FAILED YET.

I asked her; “Is this crazy?  Am I crazy? I think I can do this.  Am I crazy?” She said. “Yes! Of course you are crazy AND you should definitely do it.” That was exactly what I needed to hear. I was officially excited now.

I got out my calendar and mapped out the days that I could write.  Taking out the days that my mother was staying with us for Christmas, taking out the weekends when I’d be back on the magical ski lift and taking out any other days that I knew I wouldn’t get any screenwriting done.  It all came down to 22 days.

22 DAYS!

Oh shit.  22 days.  Is that even possible?

One more quick call to Melani and I was convinced that it was possible.  I could do it.  I would do it. Dammit.

And off I went.  Here is the rough plan that I came up with:

An average screenplay is 100 – 120 pages.  (I honestly have NO idea how accurate this number is. I did a little research online and that’s what I found.  It gave me a loose structure to work with).  I settled on 110 pages with an average of 180 words per page. Which is very scientifically based on looking at screenplay versions of Almost Famous and Jerry Maguire. Which would make an average screenplay approximately 19,800 words total.  I then divided 19,800 words by 22 days. That’s 900 words per day. Totally doable, right?

I had to convince myself that it doesn’t matter how good or how bad the words on the page are…It’s about showing up. Getting shit done.  Getting my shitty screenplay done.

I think I can do this, y’all. Yee-haw.

NEXT: I’ve Been Lying to Myself- Screenwriting Day 4 – Click Here*